Too Close for Comfort

My first quarter of teaching English Composition, I introduced the research essay by telling my students that they could write on any topic of their choosing. My second quarter, I introduced the research essay by telling my students that they could write on any topic of their choosing—except the Illuminati.

I wasn’t trying to be mean by banning my students from writing about the Illuminati, but basically half my students would have chosen it as a topic, and it’s a conspiracy theory about a secret society that controls the world. It’s pretty hard to find meaningful research on something that’s being kept a secret. I mean, I guess if my students went undercover and infiltrated the Illuminati, but I could barely get them to show up for class, so you know.

But my students’ obsession with the Illuminati conspiracy theory illustrates how the classroom is just a microcosm of society. Studies show that Americans, in general, are obsessed with conspiracy theories. Almost 25 percent of Americans believe that the moon landing was a conspiracy. Almost 50 percent believe that the JFK assassination was a conspiracy. And over 50 percent believe that the 9/11 attacks were a conspiracy.

Regarding 9/11, some people believe that government officials had foreknowledge of the attacks. Some people believe that government officials orchestrated the attacks. And some even believe that shape-shifting extraterrestrials bent on world domination were responsible.

Considering that Americans largely embrace 9/11 conspiracy theories, based on her People magazine interview, Sarah Palin is lucky she escaped becoming the center of one. When asked what she was reading for fun, she said this:

“Do we consider The Looming Tower something just for fun? That's what I've been reading on the airplane. It's about 9/11. If I'm going to read something, for the most part, it's something beneficial.”

Doesn’t her answer kind of make it sound like she thought 9/11 was beneficial? At least at first glance? Of course, she wasn’t saying that 9/11 was beneficial. She was saying that informing herself about it was beneficial. But it just sounds wrong, doesn’t it?

Well, I thought it was hilarious, and I really wanted to include it in my book, but, alas, there’s nothing technically wrong with it. Maybe if I had a chapter called "Too Close for Comfort: The Minimum Number of Words That Should Exist Between '9/11' and an Adjective with a Positive Connotation." Or "Call Me Superstitious: Books I Would Never Read on an Airplane."